Rebuilding America's defenses

Greetings, patriots!

Some of you may have heard something about DoD's DRMS selling NBCs to the GAO, as requested by the HSNSETIR, a unit of the GRC. Believe me, it's not true at all. NOT TRUE, I say!

Hrm. Well, alright. Some of it may be true. But still, the only person who is responsible is the Head of the DRMS. He was installed by Clinton (that cheating traitor), and from the moment I first met him I knew that he wasn't fit for the job. You can recognize these fellas right away. They have long hair, they're often Democrats, hippies, they wear jeans (and not cowboy jeans, the hippie kind), they're "progressive", don't believe in traditional values, ...
Anyway, you know the type. They're the ones who are responsible for the destruction of American society in the last 11 years, after HW wasn't re-elected.
Anyway. He's also corrupt to the bone. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's corruption! Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a man of principles. I accepted this job to help the american people, to help them live in freedom and capitalism. My utmost duty is to the American people.
This man - on the other hand - knows no duty but to himself. During his desastrous reign over the DRMS, everything went wrong. He was also one of the only members of the Pentagon staff who didn't cooperate fully with me in the War on Terrorism.
Really, I've been trying very hard to minimize the damage he's caused, but I can't stop everything. That's probably why some minor classified material slipped through and was sold to the GAO. Big deal.

So if this is true, it's all the fault of this degenerate liberal! Too bad I can't fire him because the DNC likes to keep its puppets in the Pentagon! See? It's all the fault of the Democrats, as usual!

Of course, part of the problem is the GAO and the HSNSETIR. Without them constantly looking over my lardy shoulders, I would have a lot more freedom to do whatever's necessary for protecting the American people, even if that means that some radical liberal terrorist-aiders are put in jail.

Greetings, underlings.

What's all the fuss about? Why is everyone so upset about this leak?

Look, I've known Karl for years. He's a decent man. We used to work together for HW, who was RNC Chairman in '73. Those were the days. The two of us, working together for our country/the GOP.
We've both come a long way since then, but we still get together every once in a while in a plush restaurant for dinner, paid for by the DoD, to catch up. Sometimes we also invite some execs to join us, to discuss the economy, the war, and their RNC donations.

It was one of those dinners that Karl mentioned something about a certain "Wilson" or whatever, who'd discredited the Niger connection. How dare he! That was my best idea in a long time!
We all agreed that he should be taught a good lesson. Namely that a good patriot should always believe and follow the Commander-in-Chief and his DoD secretary.
Then, one of our invites, a KBR board member, had a brilliant idea. This fella's wife was a covert CIA agent. He has access to these kind of things through his friend George T, you know. Anyway, he also knew this Robert...Na-vok guy, or something. Said he worked at CNN. Now, this Robert fella still owed KBR a few favors, and the board member proposed to ask him to leak the information to the masses in one of his columns. We all agreed that it was a great idea.

And that's all there is to it.
What's all the fuss about then, I ask? It was simply a small thing that we did to discredit this anti-american before the masses started believing in him! I wish the storm would lie down, so that we can get back to more important issues like my overwhelming success in Iraq.

Greetings, your faithful

Don.


PS Remind me to pay back KBR someday.

Greetings, Americans.

Could someone please tell me when Microsoft stopped being an American company?? It's every American citizen's duty to help the government in the war on terrorism, but Bill Gates and his cronies seem to have forgotten about their duty. Why, due to their massively incompetent and insecure software, my computer is always crashing! This has harmed the war on terrorism, of course! I have been unable to protect Americans and American companies from evil terrorists and weapons of mass destruction, I have been unable to provide my treasured people with the most basic of liberties, all because Bill can't get his priorities straight and provide some good American piece of software!
Seriously, for the last few days, I haven't been able to get my computer starting, and when it did start it always crashed whenever I wanted to start Internet Explorer (another microsoft product!) to visit the Chevron website! Because of these anti-american activities, I couldn't do anything this week! I just sat there, in my office, staring at my oil tanker calendar.
Thankfully, the rest of the Pentagon continued working as smoothly as ever.

I'll complain to Bill next time I meet him on the golf course!

Greetings, patriots.

I am sorry that I couldn't write more in the past few days, but honestly, my body was tired because of my ambitious travels (Robert McNamara never visited Vietnam, did he!) and my mind was tired because of the relentless attacks on my person and my policy recently. Well, I hereby challenge all those unpatriotic critics to come up with a policy as thorough, foolproof, humanitarian, ambitious and successful as mine! I betcha, they can't do that! And they can't do that because their criticisms are unfounded and biased! I can just hear them thinking in their little minds..."Uh-oh! Don's successful! Quick, invent some criticisms or otherwise the public, with their common sense, will believe him and it will be the end of the liberal media!"
That's right! It's all the fault of the liberal media and their unamerican ideologies! They are so biased they would denounce my policy as a failure if there was but one American casualty! Of course they don't understand the point of war, which is brave souls giving their life for freedom, for democracy and capitalism!
On the other hand, if you take the time to listen to fair and balanced news reporting, you'll hear the truth! And the truth is: Don's successful! Repeat after me!

God Bless America,
Don.

Greetings, supporters.

On this day, two years ago, America changed forever. Evil terrorists, angry with our liberty, struck the heart of America. More than 3000 people died, not only Americans but also many foreigners united under American leadership. The evil of such a terror act can never be completely understood.

Several of my many supporters have asked me since that fateful day, Don, where were you when it happened, and what did you feel? Let me answer you today.

When the first tower was struck at 8:43 am, I was working hard as usual in my spacious office in the Pentagon. My secretary opened my door without knocking, crying out "Mr. Rumsfeld! Mr. Rumsfeld!" over and over. Astonished by such impolite behavior, I dropped my cup of coffee on my desk. About to ask him how he dared burst in my office like that, he said that a plane had struck the North WTC tower. I thought it was an accident, but, you know me, I never take risks and therefore I called Henry of the JCS to raise Defcon. Less than 10 minutes later, my suspicions proved right! A second plane had struck the south tower, proving that it was an act of terror. I felt disgust in my stomach for the cowards who had dared strike America.
I knew where George was at the moment, in a public school in Florida. Confident that he had already been warned, I called the JCS and my senior staff to my office to discuss these crimes against humanity.
But as we were about to start the meeting, I heard a terrible noise, a loud boom and a crack, and the entire building trembled! We looked at each other, and realised what had happened. Even the combined military might of the Land of Freedom, under my command, didn't scare these lunatics! Now, it was personal.
Security guards rushed in to take us to a safe place, but I knew that my place wasn't in a nuclear bunker, safe and sound. No, I belonged amidst my people, my faithful servants whom I have served myself! So I ran outside, and towards the crime scene. It was a horrible sight. My beloved Pentagon, built after the Second World War to house the very institution that protected American Freedom in the world, couldn't be protected against these enemies of freedom. I could only hope that not too many important people had died, and praise myself lucky that I hadn't chosen my office in that cursed wing.
Without any regard for my own health and safety, I tended wounds next to the hospital personnel, realising that they needed all the help they could get.
Meanwhile, my heart boiled with anger, and I thought of all the possible consequences this had. It was then that I realised that I couldn't expect to sit back and relax in my comfy chair for the rest of my term. I had to act, and save America from another trauma. Especially when I heard that the two towers had collapsed, and when part of the Pentagon had collapsed as well, I realised that America, the sleeping giant, had woken up and was ready to fight back, united under George, Dick, and me. And Colin too, I suppose.

Later I received a phone call from George, and we agreed that I would stay and protect the Pentagon, while he and the rest of the crew would hold a National Security Council meeting to discuss what should be done. I realised that now was not the time to quarrel over who should do what, and that I should do my duty as best as I could, as I had sworn on the day that I became SECDEF. I oversaw the outstanding work of all security and fire department personnel and coordinated the rescue efforts. At 6pm, I held a first news conference, announcing to reporters that the fire had been contained and that the Pentagon would be operational again tomorrow, under my command, proving that the United States Armed Services could not be defeated by a single cowardly attack.
In my heart, I felt anger but also determination to exterminate this danger to freedom, and fight global terrorism to the best of my abilities.

And in my ever so humble opinion, I think I can say that I have succeeded until now.

Thank you.

Don.

Good afternoon everyone.

How dare they! Just as I was giving a fair and balanced, detailed account of my journeys throughout the the liberated countries, a few radical rascals feel the need to interrupt me and shout obscene propaganda! The scoundrels! I bet their parents never taught them how to be polite and Republican! Don't they see that it has been my job in the last 3 years to protect them? Is this how they thank me? By insinuating that I am a child-murderer? Do I look like a child-murderer to you? That's right!

I betcha that those kids will come in contact with a muslim sleeper agent sooner or later, and they will be willing sheep to his lies and propaganda! Sheep! Sheep, that's what they will be! I will tell Richard on them! Let's see what they say after they're part of the TIPS databank!

And it's not the first time that it's happened either! I feel like it's the end of the Vietnam War all over again! It's a pity that we had to retreat from that god forsaken country, but alas I couldn't persuade Richard to continue the protection of the fragile South Vietnamese democracy. So when I became SECDEF for the first time, in 1975 (the youngest SECDEF ever, I might add) I immediately defended liberty and especially capitalism in other countries, under the approving eye of Gerald and Henry.

Don.

Today I went on a sightseeing tour around Afghanistan. It was quite interesting, meeting all these people working together to improve the lives of Afghanis. I saw people building gas pipelines, people building roads to and from US military bases, and I met with local tribal chiefs (the term 'warlord' is left-wing propaganda!) who had already helped us fight the evil Taliban and were now helping the Afghani people.

Every American soldier that I've met has pledged his unquestioning support for me in this time of war and terrorism. This strengthened my heart and confirmed my conviction that what we're doing is the right thing.